Honestly Otacon
by Millenia Marik
Summary: Solid Snake finally gets the reigns to his own story. A funny story, he says, is what everyone needs. And who better to direct it than him? Well, you'll just have to read to find out what other people think...
1. Honestly Otacon

"Honestly Otacon, the last time I saw you wearing something like that, you were cowering in a locker after having messed yourself.." said a gruff voice with a hint of a laugh. A well built but compact man clad in olive spattered fatigues was in a woodland cabin, talking to his comrade, a skinny man with less than tamed brown hair wearing a lab coat of sorts. The one speaking had a cigarette clenched in his teeth like a dog to its bone.  
  
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The skinny guy shook his head, looking up from some sort of mechanical device he had laid out on a table, "Do you have to poke fun at everything I do?" The other man tilted his head, "I'll knock it off, Otacon, just as soon as you tell me what we're doing in this hell-hole." The man sighed, obviously frustrated with the other's language, "What we're doing is stopping the illegal slaughter of-" "HOLD ON A MINUTE."  
  
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"Oh no, Snake, you can't take over this story..." "Don't tell me what to do. Now then, this story is going to be funny. And Otacon will enjoy it." "No I won't..." "You will, trust me. So will all of you reading this." Snake smirks and waves at the readers. "I am not responsible for anything this man does..." says Otacon as he leaves the room.  
  
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It was a not-so-hot-but-kind-of-sticky-like-it's-pretending-to-be-hot kind of summer day, and Revolver Ocelot was bumbling around his headquarters like an idiot in his trench coat. The man paced back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and...never mind...He was just walking around a lot in his office. "Walk back and forth one thousand times and it kills the ferret..."  
  
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Presently, a squirrel wearing a sombrero entered the office, "Dude...you owe me stuff..." Ocelot kept up his pacing, his speech broken up for he only spoke when he was near the squirrel, "Who are...you?" The squirrel hopped up and down for no reason, "I am the tax collector." Ocelot frowned, "No, you're...just...a...squirrel...!!!" ((I didn't know exclamation points could be vocalized until now..)) "Damn, I've been found out!" the squirrel ran away, and Ocelot was left pacing.  
  
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"Now, where was I...Oh yes! The ferret..." For days Ocelot had been trying various and assorted ways to remedy a computer virus which had infected his desktop with an annoying digital ferret that yelled "UNDERWEAR!" every time someone ran a program, opened a new window, or refreshed a page. He had consulted everyone and every site he knew to help him with his problem, but to no avail.  
  
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At one time, Ocelot had attempted to ignore the fiend by turning his computer's sound off. This worked for five minutes before pop-ups began appearing. The pop-ups appeared and multiplied until his computer overloaded and shut down. This left him no choice but to turn the sound back on and endure the undergarment ferret.  
  
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So ends the first chapter of...SNAKE SAMA'S WORLD OF FUN!!!  
  
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"That title's a little over dramatic, don't you think?" said Otacon as he tapped a pencil against his chin. "You have no taste, go away." came the reply from a certain Snake Sama, who runs this show, who is the head honcho, the big cheese, the big sauerkraut if you're in Germany. "Sauerkraut? What the hell, Snake?!??" 


	2. Kinky Kaplan

"I really think people like my story." said Snake, grinning to himself as he wrote this sentence. "Just don't let it go to your head. You know, I think you're just righting this to get that Kaplan woman's attention..." Otacon rolled his eyes. "You spelled writing wrong." Snake tossed Otacon an eraser. "Oh, thanks for catching that" he said as he erased and rewrote the word.  
  
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Relaxing in his Florida condo, Liquid was enjoying a nice nap. He was rudely awakened by a knock at the door, falling out of the hammock he was laying on and landing flat on his face, "OW!" He muttered about having a hardwood floor before dragging himself over to the door and pulling it open.  
  
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Who should be standing there but a busty, youthful, female wearing little more than a pizza delivery girl outfit and hat. "I didn't order a pizza lady, you must have the wrong house..." said Liquid, unable to keep from looking the girl up and down. The girl smirked devilishly, "No, but you ordered me!" She pushed her way into the house, leaving Liquid to stand by the door, blinking, "It was that prank call I made to the French whore house..."  
  
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"What! I came from no whorehouse!" shrieked the girl with a pout. She opened up the pizza box she was carrying and produced a leather whip, "Now then, my name's Salena, want to play?" She winked and cracked the whip.  
  
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"If you make these chapters any shorter, they'll stop reading, Snake..." Otacon annoyingly prodded at Snake's chest with an index finger. The man replied with a shrug, "Yes, but I know -she'll- be reading." "I knew it! You like her!" exclaimed Otacon. "Not really, I just said she'll read." 


	3. Chapter Two Point Five

"Otacon...do you know what this is?" Said Snake with a singsong tone to his voice. "Uh...no, no I don't, Snake." Replied his comrade, Otacon. "Of course not, I just had to ask for the sake of making this intro longer...Ahem, this is chapter..." He balls up his hands into fists with anticipation. "Two point five!!" He yells, leaping upward and punching the air anime-style. Otacon blinks, "Why's it 2.5?" Snake face faults, "Well you see I was kind of...too lazy to make a whole chapter... not to mention one that fits my storyline. So it's a random page..." he taps the tips of his index fingers together. "Well, let's get to it!"  
  
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Kaplan: Wtf...How'd I get here? O.O Snake: *Maniacal laughter* o.o *Stops suddenly* I'm not sure. But! You're here, and there's no escape. Kaplan: Snake Sama, I know you, there's exit signs all over the place because you couldn't afford your own studio for this skit... Snake: Oh thanks for going and telling them. You might as well tell them I like singing too. Wait...I never told you that... Salena: *Spreads the word* Snake: You little beast! !  
  
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Akima: Kaga!! Kagato: Shit not this again... Akima: *Clings!* Kagato: *Peels her off.* -.-; Akima: Kaga tell me a story! Kagato: *Sigh* Once upon a time, there was a scientist... Akima: Was that scientist you, papa? Kagato: Erm...Yes actually. Akima: Ok! n.n Kagato: One day the scientist got drunk and went into his lab. In the end, you resulted. There, happy? Akima: I don't like that story...  
  
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Sparx: Oh if I were a fish. Kai: *Blinks.* Sparx: I'd be a spiny fish! Kai: *Tilts his head* Sparx: I'd spine people in the ass! Kai: *Is confused* Sparx: Which is why I'm not a fish! :3  
  
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Ok so that was royally pointless. Does anyone mind if I just...start rambling? This is the author. Oh yes, tis' me. o.O How frightening. I scared the bajeesus out of a pair of hikers. I think they were a couple. I was catching frogs of all sorts down at buttermilk falls in a metro parks area on Ohio. Ha-ha...I ended up letting the little buggers go by this couple and they went mad...The girl was pretty much screaming and I nearly made them fall down the falls. Ah...good times good times..  
  
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ATTENTION  
  
This is the left-open-because-it's-for-my-few-and-beloved-readers-zone!  
  
I'll put random things in here. Email them to me at TraumaKagato@aol.com  
  
I'll add them ASAP! :3 


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